


boreas

by dewshi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Sburb (Homestuck), Sadstuck, Song-inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dewshi/pseuds/dewshi
Summary: -- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --TG: alrightTG: here we go
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 23
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _With my back on the floor_   
>  _Cold linoleum icing my growing pains_   
>  _Watch the ceiling fan turn its shape again_   
>  _My threads are coming loose_

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

TG: hey kat 

TG: uh

TG: update for today

TG: its uh

TG: the first of karkatuary

TG: the month named you

TG: remember how they fuckin named a month after you

TG: i know you always hated that

TG: that they named a month after you

TG: but i like it

TG: like every time i look at a calendar its like

TG: hey

TG: karkat was here

TG: like this month is for karkat

TG: and idk i really like that you know

TG: but anyway yeah

TG: 1st of karkatuary 5461

TG: thursday

TG: um

TG: yeah so actually i wanted to tell you

TG: i went over to the carapace kingdom today

TG: saw rose

TG: shes starting to do better

TG: obviously shes had a shorter time to get used to being alone and all so

TG: she actually also took up this whole journalling thing

TG: but i think shes actually using a book journal for it

TG: and not pesterchum

TG: or i guess it would be trollian for you

TG: but yeah she told me to tell you about it

TG: yknow

TG: give her greetings

TG: idk pass it on or something

TG: i started repairing the house again

TG: yknow uh

TG: in the attic that one floorboard that was creaking

TG: told you that it broke

TG: did i tell you that it broke im pretty sure that i told you

TG: hold on imma go check

TG: yeah ok im back i did tell you that it broke

TG: yeah so the attic floorboard that broke yesterday i fixed it today

TG: it was like

TG: like the splinters and the nails and shit were sticking out

TG: i tried to poke one of the nails just to like. test it out

TG: you know its weird to forget that you are able to bleed

TG: so now theres a bandage around my finger

TG: so if i make any typos thats the reason for it cos i really shouldnt be typing with this finger right now but it doesnt even hurt its just a little difficult to maneuver

TG: anyway where was i

TG: right the floorboard

TG: put it back in place

TG: actually that was the reason that i went to carapace i forgot to say but i went there because i didnt have any boards or anything

TG: and i guess

TG: i just wanted to see rose idk

TG: and roxy and callie

TG: um

TG: so i got a board for the attic from over there

TG: patched up the attic floor

TG: slash the non attic ceiling

TG: the third floor ceiling

TG: and now its brand spankin new

TG: i mean the board is just like slightly a different shade from the rest of the floor but its cool like you wouldnt even notice it unless you look up at the third floor ceiling

TG: if you look up you will notice it

TG: but i guess ill just

TG: try to avoid looking up

TG: or maybe like

TG: work through stages of grief like

TG: look up as often as i can and like. take account of the fact that that board is a different shape and its never gonna look the same as it did before it broke

TG: see it whenever i go into the attic

TG: just think like yeah

TG: the floor here is made of a different type of plank the rest of the floor

TG: but like nbd right its just

TG: not worse

TG: just

TG: different

TG: ok it is worse it does look worse

TG: but whats the problem with that right you know me always into that chaotic and ugly shit i wouldnta made sbahj if i wasnt super into things being

TG: the wrong shade of wood but only slightly

TG: actually on a sbahj level thats super fucking funny

TG: imagine just going into a house and all of the floorboards are made of different kinds of wood and you can kind of tell but not raelly that would be so fucking funny

TG: sir what kind of wood is this floor made of

TG: all of them

TG: all of the kinds of wood in one floor incredible

TG: i should build a house like that

TG: or have it built

TG: nah nah build it myself

TG: i dont do much these days i could probably take on the whole project myself

TG: i mean

TG: i would have to ask the committee if i can build somewhere

TG: but im the damn knight of time i didnt die an infinite amount of times in alternate timelines become a lohac white collar criminal survive the apocalypse and watch the love of my life die of old age or troll natural causes or whatever just to not be able to build a house somewhere

TG: so i guess it would be more of a formality

TG: i mean id still do it i wouldnt just build a house somewhere without permission

TG: but honestly i

TG: if i started building it by myself id never get it finished

TG: and itd just be like

TG: an abandoned construction site somewhere in the woods

TG: in the place of one of those old shitty statues of liberty alt me made

TG: havent checked on those in a while

TG: maybe its time to part again on my once a century dave pilgrimage

TG: dilgrimage

TG: on top of a shitty miss liberty

TG: meditate or some shit

TG: enjoy the breeze of my face

TG: and the jpeg artifacts pricking into my ass

TG: sounds like a wonderful time

TG: prime vacation spot

TG: bring out some towels and a picnic basket

TG: send a family photo from there

TG: like a postcard

TG: its a selfie and in the corner in pink comic sans it says greetings from sunny shitty statue of liberty #774

TG: ok

TG: um

TG: ok thats all for today i think

TG: yeah

TG: ill talk to you again tomorrow

TG: hope youre doing ok

TG: i love you

TG: bye

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --


	2. Chapter 2

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

TG: hey karkat

TG: today is

TG: what day is it hold on

TG: 9th of karkatuary 5461

TG: saturday just hit 10 pm

TG: been thinkin about you today

TG: i mean i do that every day anyway so

TG: not like thats an unusual occurrence

TG: but i was just wondering about how like

TG: how exactly do troll blood colors work again

TG: like what makes them be the way they are

TG: i know they told us when we got here but

TG: well they told me and john and rose and jade and everyone

TG: not sure if they told you guys

TG: probably not

TG: but like i was not at all listening when they did that anyway so

TG: bc like

TG: you create a utopia and you finally get away from the horrors of

TG: gaming

TG: and the first thing you wanna do is hear about the lore of the fuckin aliens that live there with you? HELL no

TG: who the fuck would want that

TG: i mean rose probably would

TG: and i think she was having the time of her life

TG: if i remember right

TG: i mean its been a long ass time so i wouldnt trust my memory

TG: anyway fuck where was i

TG: yeah

TG: been thinking about your blood

TG: like

TG: wonder what made it be like that

TG: red i mean

TG: i mean

TG: was it because of le or the cueball guy or was it just like that naturally

TG: would it have been like that if you were never gonna play sburb

TG: i mean that red sweater guy had the same thing right

TG: and troll jesus

TG: so i guess

TG: i mean like clearly its genetic in some way

TG: dur the fucking genetic mutation is genetic great job again dave

TG: but like

TG: heritable

TG: idk

TG: i feel like

TG: idk it would be interesting to figure it out

TG: maybe you would have hated me thinkin about it like that

TG: maybe you wouldnt who the fuck knows

TG: im sorry

TG: if you would have

TG: cos i dont want to make you feel like shit about it

TG: idk

TG: um

TG: what did i do today

TG: oh yeah

TG: me and jade went on a walk

TG: havent been on a walk in a while

TG: we went around the park to the fuckin uh

TG: the river

TG: jade chased a squirrel

TG: yknow its really funny

TG: all these years and she still goes fuckin wild for a walk

TG: she just loves the outdoors

TG: shes always known who she is and i really think thats pretty cool about her

TG: well i mean she didnt always know she was half dog because she wasnt always half dog

TG: but like she took to the dog stuff really weirdly well like she was always meant to be a 6'6 amazon with dog ears and a penchant to eat expired snausages

TG: anyway

TG: shes really good

TG: she gets it

TG: i think

TG: whats goin on with me

TG: shes so damn nice yknow

TG: she gets why ive been

TG: yknow

TG: yeah

TG: uh

TG: its not been

TG: ok

TG: nevermind

TG: uh

TG: yeah we went on a walk around town

TG: did i tell you about that new restaurant thats getting set up downtown

TG: authentic alternian cuisine or whatever

TG: went there at one point with davepeta last month i think mentioned it the guys who run it were there and they were like oh esteemed knight of time dave strider sir graces us

TG: yknow how they are with us

TG: they like begged me to try a sample

TG: which makes sense i mean

TG: if i had a restaurant and i came to visit i would want me to have a free sample

TG: thats just good business?

TG: i dont know lol

TG: anyway

TG: no it wasnt actually authentic

TG: didnt taste anything like what we had on the meteor

TG: i mean of course you said that wasnt authentic tasting either

TG: so maybe they actually had it right and it was authentic

TG: who knows but it was tasty

TG: told them it was good

TG: they were so psyched about it i think theyre gonna like put up a sign that says recommended by the gods or smth

TG: i hope not

TG: i feel like i dont really want any publicity myself rn so

TG: for all i care they can keep all my publicity

TG: the hot new god of earth c: this restaurant

TG: now with vegan and gluten free options

TG: ok sorry i left for a little bit

TG: im back now

TG: i just had to check something

TG: um

TG: sorry i didnt write to you yesterday

TG: i was just

TG: idk i was feelin nasty

TG: so i

TG: didnt

TG: yknow

TG: really have anything to say i guess

TG: but i was thinking about you

TG: and i kinda wish i had written something

TG: i talked to jade about it and that i felt shitty

TG: cos it felt like

TG: idk like i had betrayed you

TG: by not saying anything

TG: and that

TG: i like

TG: had some obligation to

TG: and i was

TG: i dont know fucking up my holy duty

TG: like slipping

TG: idk how to say it but she told me that it was okay

TG: like that it was ok that that was happening

TG: and we

TG: we kind of got in an argument

TG: cos i said i was scared i would

TG: like forget

TG: and she said that its good to move on

TG: and i got so fucking angry at her

TG: in hindsight i was being a massive douchebag because it was just. i dont know.

TG: i cant even really remember what i said but i know that whatever it was she didnt deserve to hear it in that way

TG: but yeah

TG: we talked about it and i said sorry and she was cool

TG: but it kinda made me realize how fucked up i am right now

TG: shit sorry

TG: i wasnt gonna say anything about it cos i feel like

TG: i dont want you to feel bad about it

TG: fuck!

TG: okay whatever

TG: nevermind

TG: sorry

TG: ive had kind of a long day

TG: um

TG: yeah

TG: ill talk to you tomorrow

TG: i wont forget to this time

TG: or lie in bed without moving all day and forget to eat or sleep

TG: i promise

TG: goodnight karkat

TG: i love you

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --


	3. Chapter 3

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

TG: hi karkat 

TG: sorry i know i dont usually message you this early 

TG: its 3 am now uh 

TG: monday 

TG: 18th of karkatuary 

TG: i know youd want me to be asleep right now 

TG: i was 

TG: but 

TG: i 

TG: i had a dream 

TG: i had a dream 

TG: um 

TG: in the dreambubbles 

TG: i met 

TG: a karkat 

TG: but 

TG: he was 

TG: one of the ones that dont know me. 

TG: he died in your session before you got to the veil 

TG: and i 

TG: yknow 

TG: said hi 

TG: he was so fucking young karkat 

TG: he was 

TG: yknow 

TG: a kid 

TG: and he was you 

TG: and he was just like what you were like when we met 

TG: and he looked at me like i remember you did 

TG: on the meteor 

TG: in this fucking way where he was like 

TG: i want to trust you but i dont know if i can 

TG: and fuck it fucking got to me 

TG: i didnt know what to say to him 

TG: i dont know what he musta felt like 

TG: meeting a god who started crying because he loved you in another life 

TG: aint that 

TG: something huh 

TG: i hope i didnt fuck up his whole day 

TG: … 

TG: um 

TG: do you ever 

TG: really 

TG: really wish you had someone next to you in bed 

TG: because 

TG: i really wish that 

TG: right now 

TG: i really do 

TG: um 

TG: im gonna try to sleep 

TG: sorry 

TG: i love you 

TG: bye, karkat. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

TG: wow haha 

TG: well i sure went through a thing last night huh 

TG: used a period and a comma and everything goddamn 

TG: yeah 

TG: um 

TG: alright its monday karkatuary 18th 5.56 pm right now 

TG: yeah 

TG: um 

TG: been kind of a rough day but thats okay 

TG: were dealin 

TG: were survivin 

TG: you know how it is 

TG: been living life today 

TG: trying to 

TG: um 

TG: slept for a solid 

TG: what was it 

TG: like 11 hours last night 

TG: after i sent those messages to you 

TG: so that was cool 

TG: um 

TG: right so followup on what i told you yesterday about that plan of dirks 

TG: the school and the paperwork and the thing he sent to the committee 

TG: so he heard back from them today and they gave him permission 

TG: so yeah 

TG: theyve like outlined the area already 

TG: its this little spot near a lake in consort 

TG: its super nice he sent me a photo 

TG: oh actually here ill show you 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent an image: unknown.png \--

TG: theyre gonna start construction in a couple months as soon as they get all the contracts and paperwork done and everything 

TG: dirk is so psyched about it like hes off his rod excited and its really sweet 

TG: its his passion project what can i say 

TG: hes really happy that its happening 

TG: and proud of it 

TG: i think youd be really into it too 

TG: um 

TG: im happy hes happy 

TG: i mean obviously building a school is always a nice idea especially when its for like kids who have trouble with that sorta stuff as well like the one dirks building but 

TG: idk 

TG: yeah 

TG: im glad its happening 

TG: fuck i forgot to buy tissues again 

TG: theyve been on my shopping list for like a month now and i still havent gotten around to it i mean i have the list i just need to go to the store 

TG: its just so tedious 

TG: and laundries are too 

TG: and cooking and shit 

TG: ive been trying to keep up with it but 

TG: not needing to eat to survive and also being like idk 400 and a couple dozen years old makes it a lil different 

TG: i asked jade to 

TG: yknow 

TG: bring me some food when she went to the store 

TG: and she did 

TG: so that was cool of her 

TG: but she kinda gave me this look of like 

TG: dave imma have an intervention for you if you dont get off your ass 

TG: tried to tell her that its just been 

TG: a hard month 

TG: you know how it is 

TG: this time of 

TG: you know 

TG: yeah 

TG: what else 

TG: um 

TG: yeah it rained outside today there was a storm 

TG: i mean i didnt go outside obviously 

TG: but i was sitting inside watchin it 

TG: from the window 

TG: barely could see it cos the drops on the window were so like 

TG: like there were so many of them it was like zebra stripes or prison bars or something it was like just bigass streaks there were so goddamn many of them it was kinda awesome 

TG: thundered so hard that it felt like the whole house was shakin 

TG: it made me think of you 

TG: i just sat indoors and watched it from bed 

TG: made some tea even 

TG: incredible i know 

TG: yes it was the purple kind 

TG: oh sorry 

TG: the jadeblood’s royal empress brew 

TG: all organic made in the caverns 

TG: or whatever 

TG: yknow the purple kind 

TG: i still have a stockpile of it 

TG: its still where weve always kept it 

TG: i kind of 

TG: have been buying a lot of it over the last few hundred years 

TG: just out of habit 

TG: and now i dont know what to do with it 

TG: since youre not here 

TG: so ive been trying to drink it more 

TG: but idk im just not a tea person 

TG: it tastes weird and bitter 

TG: but it smells nice 

TG: familiar 

TG: anyway 

TG: tomorrows gonna be 

TG: yknow 

TG: it sure is gonna be a day i guess 

TG: im not sure what to do 

TG: im thinking ill maybe 

TG: get outside 

TG: because i dont think 

TG: youd want me to just be here 

TG: but i dont 

TG: i dont really know 

TG: if i have 

TG: what i need to be able to do something else 

TG: but ill try 

TG: i hope youre doing alright out there 

TG: and 

TG: yeah 

TG: talk to you tomorrow 

TG: i love you, karkat 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Makin’ lists, foldin’ laundry,_   
>  _keepin’ tidy with my radio show_   
>  _I’d be lying if I told ya_   
>  _I’m keeping tidy anymore_

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

TG: alright 

TG: here we go 

TG: hey, karkat 

TG: its me again 

TG: lol no its been rose all along 

TG: no it is me dw 

TG: um 

TG: right now its 

TG: 3.17 pm on tuesday karkatuary 19 5461 

TG: i am 

TG: not home 

TG: im actually 

TG: jade and i went to consort 

TG: to see dirk and jake and all that 

TG: dirk offered to show us the place where the schools going 

TG: he has a lot of big plans for it 

TG: so im 

TG: sitting out on the pier right now 

TG: at the lake 

TG: dirk and jade and jake are lookin around the area 

TG: jake told me to say hi to you for him 

TG: idk if he really gets this whole journalling to you thing but i kinda feel like he does 

TG: um 

TG: yeah 

TG: so 

TG: its 

TG: karkatuary 19 5461 

TG: and its been 

TG: exactly 400 years since you died 

TG: so i thought i could 

TG: talk to you about everything 

TG: and how im feeling 

TG: like i mean i know i tell you every year 

TG: but this year feels like particularly important cos by definition not every year is another hundred years since you died 

TG: so 

TG: yeah 

TG: this month is 

TG: has been pretty hard for me 

TG: it is every year 

TG: i do feel sometimes like 

TG: i should have moved on by now 

TG: but its 

TG: harder to move on when theres a month named after you 

TG: and its also the month you died in 

TG: difficult to put that aside 

TG: mm 

TG: but 

TG: overall this year has been actually pretty good i feel like 

TG: as much as one year can feel any better than another individual year nowadays 

TG: with dirks school going to happen and 

TG: everything else thats going on 

TG: its been a lot but 

TG: its been a good lot? you know? 

TG: no deaths 

TG: no 

TG: extreme sadness events 

TG: other than the times you would expect 

TG: like this month 

TG: uhh 

TG: yeah 

TG: i still miss you 

TG: a lot 

TG: like 

TG: so much that there are nights when i cant sleep because i think about the fact that youre not there and i dont know where you are 

TG: and i think about how it feels like there should be so many things i could do 

TG: to see you again 

TG: to go back in time or to meet you in the dreambubbles or have jane perform necromancy on your fully rotted corpse or something 

TG: anything 

TG: but none of it is gonna work and i know that because ive already tried and it only made me feel worse 

TG: and i feel like 

TG: maybe i should have moved on 

TG: but just 

TG: the idea of dating someone else or anything like that just 

TG: makes my fucking stomach churn 

TG: because i still love you and i love you so so much and i miss you and i wish you were here 

TG: and i cant let anyone else take that place in my life right now 

TG: maybe not ever 

TG: cos it was a place only you ever got to have 

TG: and i still feel like it belongs to you 

TG: and i know youre not here to like occupy that place but i know youre out there somewhere in the dreambubbles 

TG: you should be 

TG: you deserve to be 

TG: and i wouldnt be able to 

TG: like 

TG: even pretending to be able to bear the idea that le got to you before me and that youre not there anymore hurts so much that i dont think im physically able to consider it 

TG: so 

TG: i have to believe that youre out there 

TG: even though i know that even if i live for a thousand million years that ill never be able to find you again 

TG: and that youll never be able to read any of this 

TG: and that ill never see you or talk to you or get to hear you bitching about purple tea boxes or the notebook or will smith again 

TG: i have to believe you have some sort of life without me 

TG: cuz otherwise it would be 

TG: so completely unfair that i have one without you 

TG: and as much as i wish that there was 

TG: some sort of confirmation 

TG: some sort of marker that you can see this 

TG: some sort of message you could send me that youre out there something just anything 

TG: just so that i could see you one more time or say hi again 

TG: i know its not there 

TG: fuck 

TG: hold on i ned to take a bbreak from typing or ill ruin my phone screen with tears 

TG: okay 

TG: im back 

TG: um 

TG: where was i 

TG: right 

TG: ive been 

TG: doing my best to do stuff without you 

TG: in these centuries 

TG: and everything ive been doing ive done with this like idea in my head of like 

TG: if karkat saw this 

TG: would he be happy with it 

TG: like actually happy regardless of whether or not he puts on an angry face and acts like its shit 

TG: and if the answer is no 

TG: then i go back and try again 

TG: because 

TG: im not here without you so that i could disappoint you 

TG: um 

TG: yeah 

TG: i love you so much 

TG: after all these years 

TG: and im still looking for you 

TG: so if somehow by a trick of fate you are out there and you can see this somehow 

TG: um 

TG: i love you 

TG: so so so so much 

TG: and i miss you every day 

TG: if its not obvious from the fact that ive been messaging you damn near every day for the past 140 thousand or so days 

TG: and 

TG: im not gonna stop loving you 

TG: no matter what happens. 

TG: thats my ultimatum thing 

TG: so yeah 

TG: dirk and jade and jake are coming back now so 

TG: ill talk to you tomorrow 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  [CG] --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _In the end all I hope for_   
>  _Is to be a bit of warmth for you_   
>  _When there’s not a lot of warmth left_   
>  _To go around_


End file.
